Earth Crime and Punishment
A four part mini-series Episode One-The Raid
THE SCENE: Interior-Mehul’s command center -04:30
CHEIF: "Ok, we’re ready Sir."
MEHUL: "We’ll work top down from the clans list. MD."
The chief enters a command into his terminal, and there is a flash of light inside the holding cell at the front of the room, and when it fades Samoan is standing there, looking bewildered.
SAMOAN: "What’s going on?" MEHUL: "You are under arrest. I’ll explain it fully once everyone is here."
Mehul turns back to the chief and says
MEHUL: "FoG."
Another flash, and suddenly Don Mach is in the cell with Samoan. Soon they are joined by Fingolfin, Norcal, Josie, Digtek, Patience, Tirol, Nicety, Distopia, Helmut, Banks, Cartoon, Nazar, Marty, Don Blubb, and Brink.
MEHUL: "Avengers"
The Chief enters the command, and 68 Avengers appear in the cell.
MEHUL: "No, just their leader." CHIEF: "That’s what I did, Boss." MEHUL: "Ok, send them all back."
The 68 Avengers disappear.
"Ok, try it again."
68 Avengers appear.
BUD: "Um, we don’t really have a leader." MEHUL: "Ok, then pick the one person who usually speaks for your alliance."
Hel points at Guns, who points at Bud, who points at Rivers. No one points at Chinook. :P
MEHUL (to Chief): "Ok, I don’t have time for this. Keep Bud and send the rest of them back." BUD: "Burrrrp."
67 Avengers disappear, and then Mehul steps out from behind the console.
MEHUL: "Ok, the reason why I brought you all here is because you’re all under arrest." JOSIE: "Under arrest? On what charges? Regards, me." MEHUL: "Monopolizing the top 1000. Unfair business practices. Unfair retal policies. Bottom feeding. Extortion. Spamming. Looking upon newbies with disdain. Bot use. Whining. Bug exploitation. Promoting the use of crack in baking. And last but not least, failure to love Utopia." NORCAL: "How can you charge ALL of us like that?" CARTOON: " " FINGOLFIN: "I just crunched some numbers, and only one out of four of us can realistically be charged with at least 50% of those crimes. Add in our training tags and it’s even lower." MEHUL: "You are being charged as a group, and will be tried as a group. Together you represent the most powerful alliances in game A, and it would take too long to do it separately." TIROL: "Mhul youffv gon regret ths. Ill hedstamp you mself if have to." PATIENCE: "What happens if we’re found guilty?" MEHUL: "You will all be executed, and the members of your alliances will be divided up among the smaller clans, so the game can start fresh." NICETY: "Please be advise that coffee is now leader of HAN. ICQ 3456789. Glory to HAN." BANKS: "You know, Ghost is really the guy in charge of CWG…" DON BLUBB: "Um, can I call Papa Funk real quick?" DON MACH: "Speaking on behalf of all FoG alliances, we will stand together as one through this."
DigTek quietly backs away from Don Mach.
MEHUL: "You will all have your chance to defend yourselves during the trial. I’ll be interrogating you one at a time, starting with Samoan. The rest of you just makes yourselves comfortable until it’s your turn."
A guard opens the gate and leads Samoan out to the interrogation room, and Mehul follows quietly. Once he’s gone, Brink turns to Distopia.
BRINK: "This is great. We made the top 18!"
Episode Two-The interrogation
THE SCENE: Interior-Interrogation room -09:15
Samoan, Norcal, Patience, Tirol, Josie, Distopia, Marty, Don Blubb, Bud, Nazar, and Brink have been interrogated so far. The door opens and Cartoon is led in, then directed to sit.
MEHUL: "Ok, I need you to answer a few questions. First, explain to me your land grab policy." CARTOON: " " MEHUL: "Ok, you DO have the right to remain silent, but if you want to have a chance of beating these charges, you’re going to have to talk to me." CARTOON: " " MEHUL: "Ok, GUARD!"
Cartoon is lead out, and Digtek is brought in.
MEHUL: "You and TGA are the ones who started this whole ‘land grab policy’ nonsense. What do you have to say for yourself?" DIGTEK: "I know all of those members personally. They wanted to play land farms." MEHUL: "Um, ok….were you the man responsible for creating FoG?" DIGTEK: "No. If you have any questions about FoG ask Don Mach." MEHUL: "Alhazred, your assistant, is quoted as saying FoG was your idea." DIGTEK: "Alhazred isn’t in TGA, he’s in EoP. He just knows every member of TGA, FoG, EoP, WWF and every other FoG alliance personally. He’s talked to all of them." MEHUL: "You do know that multies are against the rules, correct?" DIGTEK: "We in TGA have a ‘don’t read the rules, hope no one else does either’ policy. If someone points out to us that there ARE rules, we might read them." MEHUL: "One last question: in TGA land, what color is the sky?" DIGTEK: "I refuse to answer any more questions until I can speak with my lawyer." MEHUL: "GUARD!"
Digtek is lead out, and nicety is brought in.
MEHUL: "I’ve heard numerous complaints about HAN over retalling. Do you have anything to say about that?" NICETY: "Please be advise that nana is now Leader of HAN. ICQ 456789. Glory to HAN." MEHUL: "HAN’s membership fluctuates wildly from round to round, and a lot of people suspect it’s due to multis. What do you have to say about that?" NICETY: "Please be advise that trolley is now Leader of HAN. ICQ 234567. Glory to HAN." MEHUL: "I think we’re having a little problem with the language barrier here. Let me ask you one last question: why did you join FoG this round?" NICETY: "HAN does not retal 4X. Check news: SS Big Country (#123) (ABC) Part of HAN (#8349) (HANxFoG) 439 A. Attack BEFORE we retal. Our member simply did not check news first. Simple. We respect to ABC clan and do not wish to war. Please do not call HAN liar before check to news first." MEHUL: "GUARD!"
nicety is lead out and replaced by Banks.
BANKS: "Look, before you even start, I wanna say that we at CWG haven’t done ANY of those things your charging me with. This whole thing is a farce. Ask me anything you want. We couldn’t be more innocent." MEHUL: "Is your alliance connected to ‘crack brownies’ in any way?" BANKS: "I want to talk to my lawyer. NOW." MEHUL: "Does your alliances promote pornography in any fashion?" BANKS: "Get my lawyer on the phone NOW, or I’ll nuke you." MEHUL: "GUARD!" Next up is Don Blubb. MEHUL: "LaF is widely regarded as the worst farmer of smaller alliances in the game. Your response to that?" DON BLUBB: "Gramberto is to blame." MEHUL: "If you were not being hit with multies, most people believe LaF would dominate the top 100. Do you think that’s fair to the rest of the players in the game?" DON BLUBB: "Gramberto is to blame." MEHUL: "Did Corleone cheat?" DON BLUBB: "Nope. But Gramberto does." MEHUL: "GUARD!"
Next up is Don Mach.
MEHUL: "Explain FoG to me." DON MACH: "Nope." MEHUL: "You must. FoG is responsible for most of the chaos that’s happening this round. If I don’t get some straight answers out of you every last one of you 17 will go down." DON MACH: "I don’t have to answer anything. I’m in FoG, and that’s that." MEHUL: "How did Peanut get an important role in FoG?" DON MACH: "Hey, now, that’s Alhazred’s fault. I wanna talk to my lawyer." MEHUL: "GUARD!"
Helmut is led in.
MEHUL: "I need to ask you some questions." HELMUT: "Blow me." MEHUL: "Why did you leave Omega?" HELUMT: "Shut up idiot." MEHUL: "GUARD!"
The last leader, Fingolfin, is lead in.
MEHUL: "First of all…" FINGOLFIN: "As you know, I’ve been complaining about coalitions since the I took over the UCN over a year ago (among the major alliances, of which UCN is clearly in the top 5, and perhaps the top 3, only Norcal and Digtek have lead CONTINUIOUSLY for that long), and during the span of my tenure, I’ve fought, alone for the most part, for what I believe is the way the game is supposed to be played. Giant coalitions, no matter how noble in charter, merely lead to increased conflicts, and…" MEHUL: "Wait, wait, I didn’t even ask…." FINGOLFIN: "…if you look at these charts I’ve drawn up, you’ll see that based on what I consider to be the 8 critical factors in ranking alliances (four a subjective, and four objective), only UCN has…" MEHUL: "GUARD!" FINGOLFIN: "….when we were unceremoniously booted out of ROCKFamily, there were many other leaders who…" MEHUL: "GUARD! GUARD! Get him out now!"
Episode Three-The Great Escape
THE SCENE: Interior-holding cell -10:30
Once the interrogations are completed, Mehul informs the leaders that the trial will start after lunch, then leaves.
DISTOPIA: "We’re screwed…we gotta find a way to get out of here." BUD (nodding in agreement): "BUUURRRPPP." DON MACH: "I have a plan. Dig, you attempt to overpower the guard, and we’ll make a break for it." DIGTEK (faking excitement): "Right, but first let’s have Tirol and Don Blubb beat me up, so the guard won’t expect anything! (turning serious again) Get away from me." NORCAL: "We have to think of something, and quick." NAZAR: "We need some way to get the guard to open the door." SAMOAN: "Right, but what do we have that could possibly tempt him?"
17 light bulbs appear over 17 heads simultaneously.
PATIENCE: "NO." MARTY: "But you’re our only hope!" PATIENCE: "NO." JOSIE: "Ok, so Patience lures the guard in here, and we overpower him…then what?" CARTOON: " " DON MACH: "Once we overpower the guard, we should all put on his uniform; that way they’ll think there’s only one of us." BRINK: "No, that would be too unwieldy. We should each put on one article of the guards clothing, so all of us have at least have some sort of disguise." FINGOLFIN: "I’ll agree to that only if you’re not allowed to switch once you’ve picked." BANKS: "Ok, we need to get all of the details worked out ASAP. Let’s write this all down."
The leaders huddle together for ten minutes, then take their places.
SAMOAN: "Ok, everyone ready? Let’s do it."
Fingolfin starts loudly reciting UCN’s landgrab policy to distract the guard as the others stand in front of Banks while he whips up a batch of crack brownies. Once he’s done, Helmut walks to the front of the cell and calls to the guard.
HELMUT: "Hey! I want my one phone call! I have a right to one call, and I want to make it now!" GUARD: "Who do you want to call?" HELMUT: "My mom." GUARD (grinning): "Doesn’t everyone?" NORCAL: "Damn…ok, plan B."
Banks steps up to the front of the cell.
BANKS: "Hey, guard, free crack brownies if you open the door!" GUARD: "Nice try…nope." JOSIE (whispering to Helmut): "Should I try offering him some vegimite?" HELMUT: "NO…we’re trying to escape, not get executed early." BANKS: "Hey guard…open the door and I’ll set you up with one of the mess hall girls." GUARD: "Hmmm….tempting…but no, sorry, I can’t do that." DON MACH: "Well, looks like we’ll have to go with plan C." PATIENCE: "NO."
The guard walks over to the cell and smiles.
GUARD: "You’re wasting your time. I already know all about your plans. I had complete access to your notes while you were working on them." JOSIE: "I KNEW it! NOW do you believe me?"
The Great Escape Episode is being cut short due to not being funny at all. Some would say not short enough…
Episode Four-The trial of the Century
THE SCENE: Interior-courtroom -13:00
Mehul enters the courtroom, then takes his seat on the bench. The 18 defendants are seated around a large table facing him on his left, and across from them sit Mehul’s two hand-picked prosecutors, Ghost and doobie. The jury is comprised of Political Watcher, Observer Watcher, Outside Observer, TSA Observer, FoG Watcher, Sony, a couple of the prominent alliance spies, Gramberto, some kid you never heard of representing the 5-10 member clans, and the two Fluffy guys. At least two of the alliance leaders are struck by the duality of being in two places at once as they look over at the jury box. The gallery is standing room only, a who’s who of the Earth community, seated in rough FDP groups. Mehul bangs his gavel twice, and the room comes to order.
MEHUL: "Prosecutors, call your first witness."
Ghost stands up.
GHOST: "Your honor, the Game calls Banks of CWG."
Banks takes the stand, and is sworn in.
GHOST: "Hi Boss. I only have one question for you: are you basically a good guy?" BANKS: "Yes. Yes I am." GHOST: "No further questions, your Honor. The Game moves to dismiss all charges against this defendant." BRINK: "OBJECTION, your Honor!" MEHUL: "Overruled. You’re free to go Banks. Call your next witness."
doobie stands up as Banks dashes out of the courthouse.
DOOBIE: "The Game calls DIStopia, your Honor."
DIStopia, sensing what’s happening, very casually takes the stand, a big smile on his face.
DOOBIE: "I have only one question for you, Boss." DISTOPIA: "Ask away, my loyal assistant." DOOBIE: "Do you think it’ll hurt a lot when they hang you?" DISTOPIA: "WHAT? Wait! You’re supposed to let me go, too!" DOOBIE: "No further questions, your Honor."
DIStopia is led back to his seat as Ghost stands up again.
GHOST: "Your Honor, The Game calls nicety of HAN."
As nicety takes the stand, another man joins him from the gallery.
INTERPERTER: "Your Honor, I will be serving as nicety’s interpreter, to avoid any language problems." MEHUL: "As long as you translate exactly, I have no problem with that. Please proceed." GHOST: "Does HAN retaliate 4:1 on landgrabs?" NICETY (in Korean): "Oh God yeah. Minimum" INTREPRETER: "Of course not." GHOST: "Does HAN get into wars on a whim?" NICETY (in Korean): "You betcha. We get a big kick out of toying with all these ‘diplomats’ who think they can talk their way out of anything." INTERPRETER: "Certainly not. HAN always tries to solve conflicts peacefully." GHOST: "I see. Ok, one last question: do most HAN members understand English a lot better than they let on?" NICETY (in English): "I respectfully refuse to answer that question on grounds it may tend to incriminate me." INTREPERTER (in Korean): "I’ll see what I can do about a plea bargain, Boss-san."
doobie stands up again.
DOOBIE: "The Game calls Tirol of RAGE and Nazar of Arrow at the same time."
The two leaders take the stand and are sworn in.
DOOBIE: "I’m actually surprised to see that you two aren’t really the same person…I swear you guys are joined at the hip." TIROL: "F corse wer difrnt. Damn, Nax, head stamp hm." DOOBIE: "Tirol, you always get into a ton of wars every round…would you ever consider just netgaining for an entire round?" TIROL: "I don’t understand…what would we do with our tanks then?" DOOBIE: "Never mind. Ok, Nazar, I only have one question for you: Are you a multi clan of the UCN?" NAZAR: "No. Absolutely not."
Alhazred jumps to his feet in the gallery.
ALHAZRED: "I OBJECT! That’s a lie!" MEHUL: "Bailiffs, restrain that man!" ALHAZRED: "The proof is as plain as the clear green sky above! Why can’t anyone else see that? Do I actually have to have some sort of PROOF?" MEHUL: "Bailiffs! Remove that man from my courthouse!" ALHAZRED (as he’s being dragged out): "Don’t you people realize that Stars-n-Stripes is the one who created TGA to COMBAT cheating? Hey, let me go! The people have a right to know the truth that TGA is the greatest…" DOOBIE: "Um, I have no further questions for these two, your Honor."
Ghost stands up as Tirol and Nazar step down.
GHOST: "The Game calls Don Mach and DigTek from FoG."
Neither one moves.
MEHUL: "You have been called to testify, if you do not comply you will be both be found guilty and executed." DIGTEK: "I’m not involved in FoG now." DON MACH: "You had your chance to ask questions at the beginning of the round. I refuse to answer anything now." MEHUL: "So be it. Bailiff, summon Peanut to speak on behalf of FoG."
Don Mach jumps up on the table, then dives across the room and lands in the docket.
DON MACH: "Ok, ok, I’ll answer your damn questions." GHOST: "Ok, say I hit a xFoGx tagged country. Who is allowed to do retals on me?"
Don Mach glares at DigTek, who sticks his tongue out at him.
DON MACH (resignedly): "According to our REAL charter, any country with a vowel in it’s name." GHOST: "Your Honor, I have no further questions. However, I would like a transcript of every FoG related post from the AT boards this round entered into evidence as ‘Game exhibit A’ ." FINGOLFIN: "I just happen to have all of those posts saved…" DOOBIE: "Oh, shut up Finny." MEHUL: "Call your next witness." DOOBIE: "The Game calls Samoan, Norcal and Josie of TSA."
The three leaders take the stand.
DOOBIE: "I only got one question for you Three Stooges…do you REALLY expect anyone to believe this crap about ‘we only want to help new alliances get on their feet’?" SAMOAN: "The fundamental concept behind the TSA is to promote…" DOOBIE: "Oh, shut up. It’s a yes or no question…I didn’t ask for a damn infomercial…jeez you love running your mouth…yes or no…idiot." JOSIE: "We wouldn’t have joined TSA if there was some other purpose behind it. Regards, me." DOOBIE: "I don’t feel like dealing with this today…I have no further questions." GHOST: "The Game calls Don Blubb, your Honor."
Don Blubb takes the stand.
GHOST: "As the new leader of LaF, are you going to work to get rid of any known cheaters in LaF?" DON BLUBB: "There are no cheaters in LaF that I know of."
Gramberto stands up in the jury box.
GRAMBERTO: "What? Do you deny Erik V and Steineir had me killed three times in a row?" MEHUL: "Order! Order in the court! Bailiff, restrain that juror!" GHOST: "Damn Gram, I can handle this." GRAMBERTO: "And why does Corleone still have Leader access to your site?" MEHUL: "Bailiff, why haven’t you removed him yet?" BALLIFF: "Your Honor, I don’t understand this, but every time we try to grab him, our arms pass right through him…it’s like there’s actually a lot of little hims." DON MACH (smugly): "See? That’s why we created FoG." DIGTEK: "Objection, your Honor! I created FoG to get back at TSA!"
The room falls so silent you can hear the little Gram countries exploring.
"Um, motion to strike that, your Honor." GHOST: "My work here is done…no further questions, your Honor."
doobie stands up as Don Mach returns to his seat.
DOOBIE: "The Game calls the leaders of the Average NW showoffs."
Helmut, Cartoon, Marty, Brink and Bud take the stand.
DOOBIE: "Ok, all five of you land grab like mad, then act surprised when someone gets pissed and jumps you…what makes you think you should be respected the same as the big boys when you only have 60-70 members?" HELMUT: "Shut up." BUD: "Buurrrrp." CARTOON: " " BRINK: "I still can’t believe we made the top 18. This is so great." MARTY: "Actually I shouldn’t even be here; ACCI is really the leader of CM." DOOBIE: "This whole thing is stupid…who the hell roped me into doing this?"
Croaker quietly sneaks out of the courtroom.
"I have no further questions…and I’m going home now….idiots…"
doobie storms out of the courthouse, then Ghost stands up.
GHOST: "The Game calls the leader of TIE, your Honor."
Patience stands up, and in the gallery Viper and Inferno do, too.
"Jeez…ok, The Game calls the leader of TIE who has the authority to make a declaration of war."
Inferno sits down.
"The leader of TIE who everyone likes."
Viper sits down.
"Ah, never mind…motion to dismiss all charges against Patience, your Honor." MEHUL: "Granted." PATIENCE: "Wooohooo!"
As Patience skips out of the courthouse, Ghost looks over at the defendants.
GHOST: "That’s everyone. Prosecution rests, your honor."
Fingolfin stands up, holding a stack of papers.
FINGOLFIN: "What? I didn’t get to testify yet! Your Honor, I have 84 separate items I want entered as evidence…ICQ logs, saved posts, rankings threads, scores lists…" MEHUL: "This court finds all of the defendants guilty. The sentence is death by hanging." JOSIE: "What? We didn’t even get a chance to defend ourselves! Regards, me." MEHUL: "So? It’s just like if I decide you’re a multi…you’re gone, that’s it." SONY: "But you didn’t even ask the jury for a verdict!" MEHUL: "So? It’s just like me never reading the boards…I don’t care what you people think." NORCAL: "But you can’t just do this…" MEHUL: "Oh no? What are you gonna do? Move to Promisance en masse? Start working on your wills…" BALLIFF: "Um, excuse me Sir, but I just checked the in game news…your verdict didn’t show up due to the news bug." SAMOAN: "And now you can’t re-sentence us or that would be double jeopardy." MEHUL: "Damn. Oh well, you’re all free to go. Thank you for supporting Echelon Entertainment." As the joyous defendants file out of the courthouse, Mehul calls the bailiff over. MEHUL: "You know, I really hate losing like this…here’s a list of all their logins and passwords…pass them out to all the hackers you have on your ICQ contact list." BALLIFF: "Sure thing, Boss…what are you going to do now?’ MEHUL: "Same thing I do everyday…go work on improving Utopia."
Another trademark Croaker weak ending
